I WISH TO ACHIEVE THE CONFIDENCE OF A MAN WHO UPLOADS THE SAME FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE 10-15 TIMES, EACH VERSION MORE ZOOMED-IN AND PIXELATED THAN THE LAST
I’m killing ants on the kitchen counter.
I can hear them crunching beneath my finger
like Oreo crumbs.
“Sorry,” I say, flicking another mangled corpse
into a graveyard of eggshells in the trash.
Earlier today, I watched a TED Talk featuring
this autistic guy. He talked about
the stigma surrounding autism.
I don’t remember exactly what he said,
but it was something about how people like us
are still commonly mistaken
for psychopaths — how we need to work
extra hard to prove we have empathy.
Now I’m killing ants on the kitchen counter
with shaky, insecure hands.
I feel like Jack the Ripper.
I feel like Old Testament God,
smiting any smaller being
that presents me
with a mild inconvenience.
The crunching sound is getting to me,
so I grab the Raid from under the sink.
Pressing down the top, I’m expecting a light mist,
but for some reason the can begins shooting
like a Super Soaker. The foam ricochets off the counter.
I hear my cat hiss. I turn around and watch him
run in 3 circles and take off through the house.
I follow him into the living room. He’s flat
under the couch. He looks like a freshly-steamed carpet.
“Sorry,” I say, and I wipe him down with my sleeve.
A psychopath wouldn’t do that.
Back in the kitchen, as my thumb cracks the exoskeleton
of yet another ant, I start to think
that maybe proper burials are warranted.
Maybe the ants deserve better than a trashcan tomb.
Maybe they should at least be cremated.
Maybe I’ll order a blowtorch and lighter fluid from Amazon.
A psychopath wouldn’t do that.
Right?
Brandon Diehl lives in New Jersey with his cat. You can find him at www.brandondiehl.net, which he never updates.
