How to Be a Good Boyfriend in Four Easy Steps
by S. Collate
Number One
1-2 times a week say something to let her know you appreciate, miss, or desire her; let her know you are thinking of her for some particular reason.
One complement can buy you a week, with some women.
This is the easiest way to avoid grief, and costs zero dollars.
You can be rotten – but if you let her know you missed her when you were at work, or you thought about her meatloaf all day- you might slide by.
Number Two
Fuck her.
This may solve most any grief can come up between you and her.
Fuck her more often than you think you want to.
Number Three
Be dependable. Call when you say you will call. You can be plain awful- but if you return a call or text she sends you, she maybe wont raise much cain.
Be the man she might use as her emergency contact- reachable and there for her.
If plans change, let her know.
You say you are leaving after this beer, but another buddy comes by with whiskey- let her know not to wait on you, you are staying on with the boys.
Do what you say you are going to do- and if you cannot, tell her how terrible you feel about letting her down.
Even a late phone call smooths ruffled feathers- especially if it comes with some kind of sugar and at least feigned remorse – as we all know hell hath no fury like a woman scorned goddamnit unscorn her. She mite blow you.
Number Four
Be her cheerleader. You are on the same team- in fact, you and her ARE the team.
Shit hits the fan – remain calm and optimistic so she might be feel all the more calm and optimistic.
Two is better than one. Share the load. Pool your resources.
Nothing you go through together needs to be any more difficult than the two of you putting together an Ikea coffee table while sharing a pitcher of pina coladas.
At no time should you regard her as an enemy nor speak to her or act in a way that makes her feel low because you are in this together- the Three Musketeers- you, her and God- the universe, your dick or whatever your higher power may be.
Nothing is more disloyal than a man losing his shit when the both ought be keen and collected. Team players keep it together – for the success of the team – lift her and she will lift you.
Bree is a poet, songwriter, and visual artist living in rural OH. In 2001 she founded Green Panda Press which puts out art and poetry anthologies and chapbooks of the very small press and puts on mixed-medium festivals.
