Aug 15

An Inappropriate Query

by Pantifesto

To Whom it May Concern at this PUblication regarding my writing that i’m still thinking about what i want to write before submitting:

Hi! My name is irrelevant but i know you are going to love my work! : ) My mom tells me my writing is like what would happen if Erma Bombeck smoked a lot of crack with Whitney Houston and then watched three seasons of Strangers With Candy back to back. if i were a dude and i were writing you, it would be like i was prematurely ejaculating. I dunno what I wanna write for you but i can assure you it will be ‘da bomb! when i get focused –yo–my shit is tight!!! what i’m missing in my life is you guys. you’re like the family i always wanted

I love the shit out of your publication and have a wide area of expertise. I hope that someday I can get really fucked up with with you guys in the garage where you have the secret meetings and the printing press. Maybe we can drink one anothers blood sometime. I belong to a lot of online clubs for people who think they are vampires. every once in a while i like to do some gonzo shit like hang out in McDonald’s and spy on the regulars, the VFW coffee club, etc. i have a lot of problems and because of this i’ve read a shit ton of self-help books (that shit backfired and that’s why i’m a vampire now).

so this is actually my first submission ever. i mean that i want to talk about. but those other guys didn’t understand me like i knew that you guys will. fuck them, obviously they are all jacked up because half of the people that write for them generally commit suicide. i’d hate for you guys to feel guilty about letting some amazing writing like this go to waste. i’m not sure how many restaurant managers i’ve slept with to get where i am now, and i’m prepared to sleep with you or anyone else you may suggest in order to get where i want to be, which is clearly on top, reverse cowgirl style.

I’m a bit of a bedwetter, a cowboy confessional type but i could also really get into the business angle of publishing. i believe in the journalistic standards of the Allied News Company, Generoso Paul Pope Jr, Joseph Sorentino and in the business whimsey of Willliam Hall. I would raid a morgue dressed like the statue of liberty except i’d be topless besides pasties with the flashing neon pink Christmas lights. then i’d dig up Jayne Mannsfields corpse and bring you her head on a plate.

i’m not suicidal anymore but if i were i would drink several Red Bulls and then do it with a machine gun while performing an extreme sport and screaming THE MAFIA IS A MYTH!

my qualifications include heavy breathing on 1-900-FUK-POEM

i cant wait to shoot the shit with you peeps! lol

**Editor’s Note**
Pantifesto will be answering all our hate/fan mail and offering advice to wayward poets in our next issue. Please send your correspondence to pantifesto@citizensfordecentliterature.com. Yes, I’m serious… send ’em in.