The Handyman's Guide to Shenanigans

Step 245A: Testing Your Home-Made Dribble Glass

Welcome to the penultimate stage in your DIY prankster preparation!

You've come a long way from choosing a rube and selecting a gag, all the way through mining, extruding, and manufacturing your own materials, to this nearly final testing stage! Let's go!

1) Locate your Home-Made Dribble Glass. Generally it is right where you left it, but if you haven't made it yet you will have to travel forward in time, completing all steps described in previous chapters in the appropriate order. Come back to this check-list when you are done with that. Welcome back, Chrononaut! The glass is right where you left it.

2) Seize the glass in your right hand and admire your handiwork. It is nice, isn't it? Look at the way it bends the light. Pretty neat, huh? Oh, look, I didn't notice you'd put a hall-mark on the bottom, that is a nice touch. Wait a second -- "TATRA Jape-Ware 87" -- this isn't home-made! You suck. Start over. I'll see you in six to eight weeks.

3) This time I hope you did not cheat. Nothing is less fulfilling to the human spirit than listenning to boring people tell the same stories over and over again. A close second is cheating. Now, forgetting the admiring of your handiwork, ensconce yourself in a comfortable and secluded location, place the glass in a laminated Russian decorative box. Have a smoke.

4) While sitting comfortably try and decide what fluid to use for your test. It does not need to be the same fluid you will eventually send cascading comically down your victim's stupid chin, the sucker. This is especially important in two regards: a) you may not want to waste the expensive beverage you are luring your sinful prey with, or b) you may want to avoid stripping the flesh from your chin with the caustic liquid you are using to disfigure your deadbeat ex-husband.

5) Get off your ass and pour some of the test fluid in the glass.

6) Raise glass to lips. Take a moment to reflect on the glory that shall soon be bestowed on you, you rakish jester you! Diamonds will flow from your eyes and your skin will shine as though gold. The great Arjuna and even Krsna himself will bathe your feet in scented oils. Sweet.

7) Make sure no one is around. This is important. If somebody catches you dribbling on yourself when no one is around, god, all is lost. If you do not believe me consider what happened to Rudolf Hess. Sure, there was no dribble glass involved but, honestly, don't you think he was an idiot? So look around. If the coast is clear, proceed.

8) Make sure the dribble-hole is lined-up with your chin.

9) Drink! Drink you beautiful bastard! For the love of god drink!

10) Change your shirt.

Next: Setting the trap, springing the trap, avoiding the authorities! All in our final fun-filled chapter, "Step 245B: The Pride of the Eagle, the Shame of the Prairie Dog."

About the author:

T.G. Gibbon won the 1973 Belmont Stakes by a jaw-dropping 31 lengths. His time of 2:24 for 1 1/2 miles set a world record many argue may never be broken.