The Confessions

I've told so many lies I don't even remember what's real. I think it's time for me to move from this city because I've filled it with my lies and it's only a matter of time before they collide and squash me. It's like I lie in lieu of actually living a life interesting enough for the truth to suffice. I mean, being a clerical worker for the university, even if it is the Admissions Office, is not exactly the stuff that movies and books are made of. Unless they're boring movies and books. I wish to confess.

I've never been in the Army.

I've never been in prison, or jail, or the drunk tank.

I never boxed.

I never wrestled for Nebraska, therefore I was never "All-Big-8." Also I didn't wrestle in high school.

While I did play basketball in high school, I was never offered a scholarship to play in college, and I was not "all conference."

I am not related to, nor do I know, Vincent Gallo.

I am not part Italian, or Russian, or Spanish, though my great-grandmother was a French-Canadian.

I never lived in New York.

I never dated a Peruvian.

I never took acid and I did not nearly overdose the same night River Phoenix died, though I did get very, very drunk and high and threw up all over the place.

I never played professional, or semi-professional, or even organized, or even unorganized soccer in Europe.

I never sold drugs or dated a stripper or held up a liquor store.

I was not in a gang.

I've never written a play, a script, or a novel.

I've never had a bookie.

My mother is not illiterate.

I was never a bouncer at a night club in Sweden, though I was a coat-check guy and a couple of times I had to help drunk old men out of the restaurant.

I did not ask Sam Shepard and Jessica Lang to take my picture and I have never asked a celebrity to take my picture and there is no photo album of pictures of me taken by celebrities.

My first blow job was not from the Norwegian exchange student, she only licked it a little.

I never dated a black woman.

I've never been in a movie.

I don't have a huge dick.

I never bench-pressed 275 pounds, or even 250, or even 225

I never bit part of a guy's nose off in a fight.

I was not at the Beastie Boys/L7 concert in Omaha.

I didn't see Nirvana at Duffy's Tavern on the Bleach Tour, but only after they were already huge, at a festival in Denmark.

I never trained Judo. I don't know karate.

My grandfather was not a 5-day bicycle racer and my grandmother was not a cigarette vendor and they did not meet in that way, at the old Madison Square Garden.

About the author:

Reynolds Towns grew up in Kansas, went to school at the University of Nebraska, and now splits his time between Minneapolis, MN and Gothenburg, Sweden. He has published cranky rants, i.e. letters to the editor, in such esteemed publications as: The Daily Nebraskan, The Minnesota Daily, City Pages, The Village Voice, and Offside, a Swedish soccer magazine. He cleans a daycare co-op, works out, and goes to soccer games in Gothenburg. Towns is the founder, manager, captain and goalkeeper of Red Star Minneapolis, one of the best intramural indoor soccer teams to never win the intramural indoor soccer league at the U of Minnesota.