My Dog is the Space Dog

My dog is the Space Dog. He chases squirrels not because he likes chasing things but rather because he knows where the nuts are; all of the nuts that have ever been buried forever and ever. This is probably because of Space Dog's X-Ray vision. He wants to share his gifts with all of nature's stupid little creatures.

My dog is the Space Dog. On his planet, biting strangers is like shaking hands. Hi!

My dog is the Space Dog. Often he chases his tail--but do not let Space Dog fool you. He is making himself the physical representation of an Abraxas, an Ourobouros: symbolic of life and all of her vicious cycles, of time and tide, of history itself. It is an interpretive cry of existential angst and ennui from Space Dog. He wants not to look at his own tail, but for us to look at ourselves.

My dog is the Space Dog. He thinks that ball belongs to me. I do not speak Space Dog talk, so I cannot tell him to stop returning it every time it is thrown.

My dog is the Space Dog. His tongue is coated with homeopathic nanofluid designed to transfer (subcutaneously) trillions of little hard drives, overflowing with the collected intelligence and history of his people, entering our bodies and communicating with our very DNA. Space Dogs learn by submerging themselves inside literal "think tanks"--large vats of super-colloidal nanofluids. Therefore, Space Dog kisses are Kisses of Knowledge. This also explains Space Dog's reticence towards being bathed. Being bathed is like college all over again--Space Dog jumping out of the bathtub is his way of saying "But I already have a post-graduate degree!" If only we'd listen!

My dog is the Space Dog. Barking is like singing to Space Dog. Any time someone new comes to the house, he shows off his fine and studied tenor. Bravissimo!

My dog is the Space Dog. Did you know all dogs, galaxy-wide, lick themselves? They don't have to be from space to do that.

My dog is the Space Dog. Space Dog abhors litter. He would rather eat garbage than see it befoul our fine planet.

My dog is the Space Dog. They breed via tubes, machines, and hoses, utilizing gene scrubbing and bioengineering techniques light-years beyond our paltry knowledge of the human genome. Having sex is an antiquated ritual, eons dead on Planet Space Dog; therefore humans having sex is a genuine curiosity. And we all know how much Space Dog loves to learn!

My dog is the Space Dog. Space Dog wants you to check out his weenis. Seriously. Weenis. Dude, check it out.

My dog is the Space Dog. They used to have wars with Space Horses, who were allied with the Space Cows. This is why Earth Horses and Earth Cows fascinate Space Dog. They could mean... Danger!

My dog is the Space Dog. Space Dog funerals involve lots of rolling around on the dearly departed. He is a holy man on a mission.

My dog is the Space Dog. He doesn't need opposable thumbs--he has opposable lobes.

My dog is the Space Dog. Rumor has it Space Dog wrote a novel once, but don't ask him about it. He doesn't think it was very good, and if you bring it up he'll pretend he doesn't know what you're talking about by acting like an Earth dog.

My dog is the Space Dog. Thank you.

About the author:

Matt Fraction is a man of action.