Some Things You Should Know About Me Before We Meet
by Josh Honn
--For Betsy, but not in that way.
When I meet you I am going to give you a hug. I don't do handshakes. You can tell a lot about a person from how they hug. Like one time I dated this very young poet who really liked me even though I didn't like her. And it's not just because her poetry sucked and she was one of those feminists who you have to not be yourself around because then everything becomes this huge socio-political debate when all I meant by chick was girl and when a girl calls me dude I don't get red in the face and make a big deal about it. Usually I give them a high-five. Anyway, it wasn't any of that but when she hugged me it was like your first dance in junior high school when she would grab your waist and you would grab her shoulders and your arms would be fully extended and everything was just way awkward and cold. That is how she hugged. Like her bones were so brittle that if you were to fully embrace her one of her arms might fall off or half of her ribs would crack. So, just be ready, because I will hug you.
After the date, no matter how long it lasts, I am going to email you and tell you that I had a good time and that I would like to see you again. Unless I don't want to see you again then I will email you and make it pretty obvious that it was indeed nice to meet you but we probably shouldn't see each other again. From past experience you will, in the first scenario, either feel the same way and we will go out again or you will just never write me back. I get that a lot. In the second scenario you will probably say something really immature back to me or say I just think you are fat and that I am shallow or you will just not email me back. I get that a lot. But you should know that I am a pretty good judge (despite a god awful track record when it comes to relationships) of whether we have some sort of connection or not really quickly.
We might start hanging out at each other's places after that and doing things people do when they are seeing each other. I will probably tell you too soon how much I like you. I then may take that back because I have just totally freaked myself out by telling you that even though I wanted to tell you that really bad. You will think I am weird and at this point either write me a very immature email or you will talk with me on the phone and calm me down and tell me that we should just take things as they come and not over analyze things so much at which point I will again reiterate how much I like you, hang up and possibly have a mild panic attack.
Once my panic attack is over we will date exclusively for three months. We will have sex and I will get you to try things you have never tried before sexually. And you will like them and want to do them a lot more. I get that a lot. You will get me out of the house more than I would normally like to be out of my house and I will take to your friends and they will take to me. I may or may not develop a crush on one of your best friends which I will have to keep a secret just to myself unless we can joke about it and you would say something like how you would totally have a crush on her too. But I will never ask for a threesome because even though I have never been a part of one I just know they are not a good idea.
Around three months things will get pretty heavy. We may talk about moving in with each other because it just so happens our leases are up at the same time and, well, why the hell not. But by that time you will have come to not really like my brand of sarcasm and jokes about your taste in music and books. Even though I mean them in a fun and playful way you don't care and think that boyfriends and girlfriends shouldn't joke around like that because that is what friends do and we are not friends we are lovers. At this point I will get really upset and tell you that I thought you were my best friend and my lover. While you are driving me home that evening we won't talk at all except to say goodnight.
The next day you will call me and tell me we have to talk. I will say all right because I am always very open and honest and love talking about feelings and everything. Throughout this whole time I have never held anything back except for maybe that thing about how hot your friend is and how I have a huge crush on her. Then we will talk about our relationship but really we will talk about me and how I am not a good fit for you and I have made mistakes by being so open and honest with you and that you are not looking for a best friend and a lover but just a lover and how you think the two are completely different. I will then try and explain to you how awesome being best friends and lovers at the same time is but by then you will have already made up your mind that we are not right for each other and that it is best if we never talk to each other again. I will probably call you about five times over the next few days and you will either write me an immature email or not call me back. I get that a lot.
About the author:
Josh Honn is a graphic design and writer living in Chicago. His writings have been published widely online and include short fiction, music journalism, media criticism and random notes on his love of squirrels. You can find his complete thoughts and works at his personal and not very professional blog, Killer Commas.