Dear Blind Date,

I’m really nervous about our upcoming date. I thought a letter would help to ease the tension. Perhaps we could go out for a few drinks the day before our blind date. That would make things easier for when the actual date comes. Say, 8:00 at Winchill’s? I was thinking we could go to Heckle House. You’ve never been? It’s wicked ranky. It’s this big mansion restaurant that you walk around and heckle the staff. I told one guy that “his momma was so creepy, ya creep.” Then you get to the top floor and they serve you a full dinner with salad and bread and cake. I’ve already made a reservation for nine. I like to sit at big empty tables. My breath smells like schmunck. After that I thought we could take a drive down to my beach house and sit by the water and sip some wine. Then I realized that I don’t have any wine. Well what do you want to do? Why does it always have to be me who has to decide? I have many interests. My main interest is hobbies. My main hobby is curiosity. What do you like? Don’t tell me now save it for our date. I hate long silences. If that happens I’m going to start sounding out the beginning of words and you finish them. Do you want me to act like a gentlemen or a raucous slimebucket? I can do both to perfection. I once told a girl she looked “le magnifique.” And I once told another to “shove off and give me some bourbon.” I think I’m going to dress business casual or as we like to say “busicaz.” Do you mind if I wear corduroys or do you hate the vipping noise that goes along with them? You can wear whatever you want but please don’t wear anything that jingles, snaps, flows, glows or dangles. I prefer a nice zebra print. How are you with directions? I’ve been known to make lefts when I should not. I once literally drove in a square for what felt like a weekend. I always eat dessert first because then you don’t need to leave room for it. Can I come up for a cup of coffee after the date? I’ll have decaf. Slut. Do you have any children from a previous marriage or an unruly ex? I really respect you raising a child on your own like that in this day and age but I don’t think this will work out. That’s what I will say to you if you answer yes. It’s nothing against you it’s your kid. Lil’ Fozzie whatcha applesauce eata. I’d like to cap off the night with a nightcap. I usually like to play a quick game of hide and go seek in black ski masks at a convenience store. If you want you can hide first but I prefer to. I was once never found and woke up near the Cheese Nips and Nutter Butters. I bought some Charleston Chew and left. I hope that “you are the one.” I always wanted to get married and have a shed for my things. Do you believe in fate? I don’t. If I did I wouldn’t be so miserable. Unless it’s fate that I’m an ugly burly surly hick. My one rule is that when you ask me questions do not tail up at the end. They say rules are meant to be broken. Try me. I’ll just sit there like a heap of dung. I have other preferences but they are not rules. They are shape up or ship out, fly like an eagle and go for the gold. I think we are going to have a great time. Are you hot?

Sincerely,

Jon