by Jimmy Chen
The back seat of a car has many associations, a prevalent one being the location where two young people engage in sexual intercourse. This may take place in a parking lot behind a chain store, or in a more romantic setting like perched on top of a hill overlooking the city or town sprawl. These two people would most likely be young, as normal adults have places of their own, like apartments or houses with beds, carpet, and kitchen floors to have sex on.
For murderers, the back seat of a car is a bad alternative place to put a recently deceased body. The optimal place is the trunk, preferably chopped into pieces and placed inside a heavy duty 20 gallon garbage bag with string ties. If a dead body is in the back seat of a car, tinted windows, a full tank of gas, and valid license plate stickers are highly recommended.
There have been incidents, however rare, where an evening that begins with sex ends up with murder. This usually can be attributed to one of three things: 1) Either one lover is crazy, or 2) That lover is sane, but his or her sanity is temporarily impaired with mad jealousy upon hearing his or her lover exclaim another person’s name upon climaxing, or 3) One lover discovers that the other lover is the opposite gender as the latter lover had the former lover believe.
The back seat of a car is also a place where an adolescent unwillingly has to sit because another adolescent, usually ‘cooler’, is either appropriated the right to sit in the passenger seat by the driver, or he or she calls out the word ‘shotgun’ first. Thus, the back seat of a car represents a lower rung in the social ladder of the adolescent paradigm. Sometimes more than one person finds themselves in the backseat of a car, for it can fit up to four or five persons in a regular sized sedan. These people are free to establish their own sitting hierarchy. However, all resolutions are considered obsolete and irrelevant by those sitting in the front.
Finally, the back seat of a car is a fine place for watermelons. Because of their shape, watermelons roll uncontrollably in the trunk. People who place watermelons in the back seat of the car inspire to protect muffins, spinach leaves, and other things that were purchased at the same time the watermelon was. The back seat of a car provides concave cushiony support for the watermelon, bracing its weight through tight turns, speed bumps, and rolling hills.
Men who want to practice the art of lovemaking with a watermelon should cut a hole, its circumference equaling the girth of one’s member, through the rind. For a more accurate sensatory experience, the watermelon should be microwaved, rendering the insides slightly warm, and boiled in water until the rind becomes soft and malleable. The option to draw a naval on the watermelon with magic marker for the purposes of visual enhancement should be employed only by those with artistic merit.
About the author:
Jimmy Chen subscribes to The New Yorker, Harper's, The Economist, and the notion that he is greatly misunderstood.