HOLLYWOOD SAYS I "CAN'T WRITE SEXY"

#1:

"Listen, Kathleen, I don't know how to say this, but -- I want to sort of, like, put my hand on your waist, but kind of lower. Basically, I would sort of be grabbing onto your lower waist area while we hug."

#2

"Oh, Rachel -- how about a helping of sexual, you know, sexual activity? Intercourse, I guess is what I'm saying. Some sexual intercourse. Can you hear me from where you're standing? Rachel? Come in from the kitchen for a minute so you can hear me."

#3

"Oh, I want you. I want you so badly I am thinking of everything else besides the fact that I want you. I'm thinking of bikes and fishing. And of this old commercial space in California that I used to think I could fix up into, like, my own apartment. [romantic pause] And of -- this big clothes pin that my parents used to have and it said "Pending" on it. That's where they would put the bills when they came in the mail. It was, like, a big huge chrome clothespin. And I never knew what "pending" meant. And fishing. I love to go fishing. I'm not sure if I've mentioned that in the short time we've been dating."

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ADD THIS SUFFIX TO FORTUNE COOKIES WHEN YOU'RE OUT WITH FRIENDS!

Sample Fortune:

You will find prosperity in the New Year...

You Add: ...in bed, when you realize that you are living in a city which will bring anything you need to your front door and there is almost always someone in your apartment who will answer the door, accept the delivery, and pay for it with the cash you leave on the little table near the foyer. Also in bed, it occurs to you that you have a wireless internet situation and the laptop that you work on is always connected...so you can email your work in right from bed, requesting some kind of direct deposit situation down at the bank when it comes time to be paid. You've gained some weight in all of this, sure, but not a lot of weight when you consider the fact that you're spending almost all of your time in this bed. I mean, keep in mind that the average person is going about everyday business and running the sort of errands that keep them more fit that the person finding themselves in the situation you are in. When you think of it that way, it doesn't seem like you've gained much at all, does it? I mean, barring the occasional trip to the shower or kitchen, you are literally not getting out of bed. Oh, man. Happy sweet, sweet, prosperous New Year.

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FOUR THINGS THAT WON'T MAKE IT FEEL BETTER

Lying that it is birthday and trying to enjoy free drink without feeling awkward about strangers singing and bartender asking what evening plans entail.

Quitting job, gaining weight, and starting "world's largest" collection of something in hopes of becoming human-interest story on evening news.

Alaska.

Sitting close to stage at stand up comedy television taping, hoping comedian will start "where are you from" dialogue which will lead to explanation of feelings to millions who are watching, which would lead to meeting somebody, like some kind of Nora Ephron movie.