by Dan Kennedy
Fresh Vegetable Won Ton platter
Mix one can of our zesty wonton soup with one cup of fresh broccoli and grated carrots. Serve with a crispy egg roll (from your grocer's frozen specialty foods aisle) and lukewarm off brand lemon lime soda (bodega on corner) For desert, try a tiny non-dairy soy ice cream sandwich thing that your roommate's friend left in the freezer this weekend when she came over to watch Saturday Night Live and the two of them stared at you as if you were the reason they couldn't have sex right there. On your couch, no less. And in your apartment, the one you thought it would be generous to offer up as a place for said roommate to get on their feet, provided it was understood that though you would be out of town more than the average roommate, you would still be living there. Voila!
Simply fill one of our authentic handmade tortillas with cheddar cheese and heat until soft while you pace around unshaven and unsure of yourself, agonizing over the time it is taking you to get anything written today. Warm it a little longer if you'd like a crispy south of the border treat and you still have more to agonize about, like your ex girlfriend Kristin's new habit of calling you on the phone late at night after she's been on what she refers to as a drinking date ("When I can't drink anymore, the date's over.") just to blame you for everything bad that's ever happened to her. Even things from way before she met you. Ole!
Basmati Stir Fry
Get creative with anything you happen to have lying around the kitchen, because our organic basmati rice goes with just about anything! Dirty coffee cups, an old Radio Shack catalog, faded and bent snapshots of friends you've lost track of, credit card bills opened but unpaid, a pack of earplugs containing only one earplug, a stranger's phone number scratched into a magnetized plastic card that functioned as a San Francisco hotel room key for two days in November, a check to a friend that you voided out in a panic when you saw your new phone bill, an empty carton of someone else's brand of cigarettes, or even a bra reminding you of a night, a half forgotten (and presumably fake) name, and a lapse in character that you deeply regret. That's why we call it California Premium Basmati.
About the author:
Dan Kennedy is a writer living in New York. Random House/Crown will publish EVIDENTLY I KNOW EVERYTHING in Spring 2003.