Leaving Messages After the Beep to Improve My Self Esteem
by Dan Kennedy
Hi, this is a message for Mr. Daly. Me and Scott Telso were the ones who got wasted, found out where you lived, and then peeled out all over you lawn in our cars. It's the only mean thing either of us had ever done to someone. I also ran over your bike, as well as your wife's bike on my own about a week later, since you left them out front. I'm sorry. But, maybe you shouldn't have called us 'skinny girls' in front of the whole class just because we weren't good at sports.
Hi, Steven Paterson. Danny from Gardenia Street. Listen, I've been thinking about the question you asked me when we were kids, and um...I think I CAN kick your ass, actually. Anyway, I'm renting a car and heading out there next week, Steven. You gonna cry now? Wittle Stevie fwaidy cat now dat we're tirty five yews old? Yeah, I thought so.
Jill, it's Dan Kennedy. I'm flying to Seattle so we can have sex. Does that work for you? I know we talked about doing it at one point over a few drinks maybe seven years ago and one thing lead to another and we never did. I regret that. Can you pick me up at Sea-Tac on Tuesday? If you can't, don't sweat it... I think there's a shuttle thing I can take.
Dad, it's me. Hey, I was totally lying when you guys caught me smoking and I said that I only did because you smoked and I looked up to you. I knew that would get you to let me off. You were pretty tough and I knew that breaking your heart was my only chance of getting off the hook. Anyway, I'm glad you quit. Those things would've killed you by now, trust me. It's a win/win.
About the author:
Save up and buy Loser Goes First: My Thirty-something Years of Dumb Luck and Minor Humiliation, By Dan Kennedy (Fall 2003, Random House/Crown).