“Esteemed cunts and cuntesses, would you now put your hands together and welcome to the stage Mr Anger Personified himself…Screetchin Scholar.”
Hay, hay, hay, guys, wondering what’s got my goat this week? Well I was raging at the radges running the rat race, furious at the fuckers, mad at the media, irate at the state but you know what really got me? Those moronic fuckers who turned down the shining light of my artistry, my novel. You guys ever get a rejection notice? Yay? Nay? Well lemme read you one:
Shows some promise, skill and imagination but sorry, NOT WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR AT PRESENT…doesn’t this author even have the most feeblest of grasps as to the nature of the blockbusting cash cow that is the CRIME NOVEL? Where is the flawed, improbable hero, the ridiculous plot, this offering doesn’t even have a single gruesome murder in it, not one. What were you thinking you fucking amateurish bastard? Catch a fucking grip. We need, crave, expect, blood, yes fool, FUCKING BLOOD, flowing, gory BLOOD, you know the red stuff that spurts out of bodies before they FUCKING DIE. If we get sent another ‘literary masterpiece’ PILE OF SHIT we’re going to puke. Get with the wise you splash of spunk stain, we want scary fucking criminals; gypsy gangs, old school cockney cunts, Russian Mafia enforcers, Irish mad dogs, psychotic loners, AND OTHER MISCELLANEOUS MURDERING BASTARDS. What’s that we hear you murmur? Cliché? Want to know something about Cliché Mr Eloquent Wordsmith? Cliché is our sustenance, we dream of devouring cliché, of gorging ourselves like pigs, we beg to fuck the mistress Cliché for SHE is our GODESS and we grovel for scraps beneath her towering presence in the manner of scavenging dogs. More murmuring? what’s that? FORMULAIC TRASH DEVOID OF ALL SOUL AND INTELLECT ? Of course, if it fucking works, makes us FUCKING MONEY, MORE OF THE SAME PLEASE, CHURN IT OUT, there’s no shame here, not in OUR HOUSE and if you submit another work with any soul at all and/or even a hint of high brow intellectual prowess WE WILL SEND ROUND SOME CRIMINALS…THE PUBLISHING HOUSE HAS SPOKEN!
–Charlie Skinner