Aug 15

Dear Dr Catfish

from the desk of Dr Catfish McDaris

Dear Dr Catfish,

Just to piss off my little sister, I shoved her Barbie doll up my ass. I couldn’t get it out, finally I told my dad. He laughed so hard he passed out. My mom called an ambulance for both of us. My asshole seems stretched out and loose. Do you have any suggestions?

Turdbrain from Toledo, Ohio

Dear Turd,

You sound pretty lame. The best way to get even with a sister is to flog off in her shoes. If you have to have things up your backdoor, make sure you get paid. As for your ass, eat lots of hot peppers, it will start cringing in fear and tighten up all by itself. When your asshole burns, that’s referred to as the Johnny Cash Syndrome (Ring of Fire). When your asshole is stretched, that’s known as the Big Bubba-is making-you his-cellmate-bitch-affliction.

Dr Catfish

Dear Dr Catfish,

My girlfriend let’s me play with her man-in-the-boat, suck her nipples, and finger fuck her, but when I’m all ready to consummate the deal. She flips onto her stomach and offers me her butthole instead of her ripe pussy. She says she’s saving herself for marriage. Any ideas short of rape or getting hitched to help me score?

Left Stiff in El Paso, Texas

Dear Lefty,

Your lady is suffering from coitus avoidance, AKA booty-struck-and-ready-to-fuck, AKA she’s a prick teaser. If you don’t pop that cherry, the next man will, she’s ripe and ready. Next time you get hot and heavy with her, do the tease and tantalize treatment, like she’s been dishing out to you. Give her a good leg dry hump and let your magic fingers do the walking. When she’s dripping and panting, don’t stop to remove her panties, jerk them to the side until they run right over her clit, almost like an atomic wedgie, only in front. Then before she can flip and protest, give her all you’ve got, try to massage her liver from the inside, and shove your tongue down her throat. You’ll soon be in poontang heaven anytime you want.

Dr Catfish